This interview originally aired on In the Moment on SDPB Radio.
Melissa Vande Kieft had a life-changing realization while picking up sticks in her yard.
She had been struggling with infertility. During her yardwork, she gave herself time to ask questions about and wrestle with everything she'd been feeling instead of bottling it up.
That shifted her thinking and led her to both write "Living in the Wait" and found her Living in the Wait organization.
We spoke with the Brookings author about living vibrantly even while waiting for the life you want.
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Lori Walsh:
All right. Let me ask you a question. What are you waiting for, longing for? If you really want to think about it for a minute. Are you waiting for a promotion or a change at work? A romantic partner? The opportunity to grow your family? Whatever it is, I think we can all agree on this. Waiting kind of sucks.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yes, right?
Lori Walsh:
Melissa Vande Kieft is an author, speaker, and founder of Living in the Wait. Her book is titled, Living in the Wait: How to Use the Delays in Life Differently. And she's with me with her book in our Kirby Family Studio in Sioux Falls. Melissa, welcome.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Thank you for having me.
Lori Walsh:
Let's pick up some sticks.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Let's do it.
Lori Walsh:
This is a metaphor for you in this book that you begin with and close with in a really beautiful way. You are very frustrated at this moment where you're doing something I think all of us can relate to, which is picking up sticks after a storm in your backyard. It's not going very well for you. How did that metaphor come to you as a writer and as a public speaker to say, "This is about more than just cleaning up the yard?"
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yeah. Yeah. That's a really great question. For me, it was probably allowing myself to sit in that moment, like as this is happening, as I'm picking up sticks in my yard and we're trying to navigate growing our family, is what was happening for me in the moment. I allowed myself to ask questions and really wrestle with what I was feeling, versus maybe pushing it down or pushing it aside or forgetting. I think we try to do that so easily when something is difficult, especially waiting, which often can be. I think really allowing myself to just sit with what was going on, that allowed me to have that conversation with God to shift really my thinking and be asked different questions really, which made me realize just this metaphor of these sticks and what was going on in my life and how I was trying to block myself from what was happening.
Really everything came full circle, as you mentioned, at the end, when I really reflected on my journey and my story, and I just allowed myself, again, to wait and pause and realize this is so much bigger than myself... I just got goosebumps... because of what was happening. Like pausing to really reflect on that. So I will never look at sticks the same. When I talk to people at events, they always say the same thing. They're like, "I will never look at sticks the same." I love the fact that it's such a normal reminder for us, because we have trees everywhere, we have sticks everywhere, that we can be reminded of just our options and how to navigate the wait differently.
Lori Walsh:
Yeah. So many people struggle with infertility and don't talk about it.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yeah.
Lori Walsh:
One of the things that it's almost hard to admit is how much you want it and how little you understand about why it's not happening for you. Talk about allowing yourself to want something that you have less control of than you maybe realized.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yes. You hit on exactly what it is. That's why waiting is so hard, first of all, is it's a loss of control. Because if we're really being honest, we wouldn't wait. We would choose to bypass it, whatever we could, we would do that for waiting, and in a way, we can in the world today. So I think that's realizing that is why waiting is so difficult, is because we can't control it, because if we could, we would've done whatever we would've wanted, desired, already.
I think understanding that allows you to come to a place of acceptance in a way as well, to know this is why it's so difficult. This is, in a sense, a normal, a natural thing to be feeling, because I don't have control over this. That's what I think is why it's so hard and why I don't like it as well, but I think when you come to that place of acceptance and that's when you know how you can move forward or what you can do different. I think it clears your mind to understand, okay, this is where I am. This is how I'm feeling. What are my options? Who are the people I can reach out to? What are the books I can read? I think it kind of helps. It doesn't take away that frustration.
Lori Walsh:
Now for you, this isn't true for everybody, but for you and in living with the wait, waiting for you is about waiting on God.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lori Walsh:
Why is that the place that you will wait? Why is Jesus of Nazareth the reason that you find strength in the waiting?
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Great question. What I share in the book is really it's because he waited. When I realized that that was something that he also experienced, it just brought a sense of relief really for me, because I realized, well, if he has to wait, I'm going to have to wait too. And that brought that sense of, like I said, the best word I can come up is relief, I wasn't alone, that Jesus waited and I can come to him with my wait. He of all people understands so much the magnitude of what it means to wait, and that just brought me a lot of comfort, really, is knowing that.
Lori Walsh:
Darn him for always-
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Always teaching us something and being so relatable.
Lori Walsh:
I want to figure it out myself.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yeah.
Lori Walsh:
I think in the modern world, to your point, especially in the healthcare, there's 8,000 websites and I can do the research and I can talk to this doctor, I can switch doctors, I can talk to other people who are willing to talk to me about their experience, and yet I don't have the control that I want to. What is the difference between surrendering to the wait and giving up? Because I think sometimes we're afraid to relinquish that control because we feel like if we stop striving, we've quit, and maybe quitting can be good, but maybe waiting is better. What's the difference for you?
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yeah, that's a really great question. I think for me, I think what it comes down to, is that acceptance part was really big, where it's like, "This is where I'm at." For me, it was a family. Like you had introed in, it could be a spouse, a house, a family, financial freedom. It could be your health, it could be getting into college. It can be a different theme or topic, but I think when you come to the acceptance of, "I'm here. I don't like it. I really wish I was at my end result, my goal, so what can I do now? What does it look like to do something in that in-between that still allows me to have peace, contentment, joy, freedom in my life while I am waiting for that?" I feel like that can come as a part of surrendering because you're saying, "Okay, I don't have control over that outcome," because a lot of time you really don't. I believe I think I do, because I'm a type A person and I love that. And I realize-
Lori Walsh:
Event planner. You're an event planner.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Oh, yes. Exactly.
Lori Walsh:
You're paid to figure out the results.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Yeah, that's your job. So that, I think, is that surrendering, of saying, "Okay, I don't have control over that, but I do have control over this. And I also have control who I go to in that time," because it's easy, I think, to not go to God, because I think we oftentimes, and myself included, blame him for this situation that he's putting me in.
Really what I learned through that time, and why I think living in the wait is so important for all of us is, well, what can we do in the in-between? How can we control things? How can we make that middle matter, for us, for those around us, and even for our legacy? Because what we do in that time, how we navigate it, really does impact us and those around us as well.
Lori Walsh:
It is a tough lesson, but it is a beautiful-
Melissa Vande Kieft:
It's very tough.
Lori Walsh:
... lesson.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
I'm living in it right now, Lori. That's where I think it's important that we realize waiting just, it's a part of life. It's not going to go away. And when we say, "Okay, that is a part," I think that empowers us to say, "Well, here's what I can do."
You read the book, you realize I shared seven truths that I think are things that we can tangibly... because we're like a, "Give me a to-do list," kind of thing. And I think those are some tangible things just to remind us that, almost it helps us manage and cope with that, because a lot of it is our thoughts and our feelings that we're experiencing in a situation or circumstance. For me, one that ties into what I shared, the acronym was waiting, is what I shared is worship. For me, it's I almost have this automatic thing now where I'm waiting and it's like I pray.
Lori Walsh:
We're going to leave it right there. The book is called "Living in the Wait: How to Use the Delays in Life Differently." Melissa Vande Kieft is our guest. I'll spell it, V-A-N-D-E K-I-E-F-T. For radio listeners, we'll put some links up on our website at sdpb.org/news. Melissa, thank you for the work that you're doing by sharing your story here, and I'm sure the multitudes of people who reach out to you once they know your story as well.
Melissa Vande Kieft:
Thank you, Lori.
Lori Walsh:
Appreciate it.
