WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
I first heard the term boundaries in the ‘90s with the release of the New York Times Bestseller Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It wasn’t until a few years ago when the term experienced a strong resurgence that I actually read the book and began implementing boundaries into my personal and professional life.
Boundaries are limits I set for myself, not limits I set for other people. In other words, boundaries are not what others must do but what you will do when faced with what others have done. Think of boundaries in this way: “If you do ___, then I will do ___.” For example, if you do not put your dirty clothes in the hamper, I will not wash them. Or, if you submit your work late, I will put grading it at the bottom of my to-do list.
SOME CLARIFICATION
Some confusion arises when we mix personal and professional boundaries with the common practice of setting boundaries for children and students. Clear boundaries can be guardrails that keep children on the road for learning and healthy development. For example, an established bedtime at home or procedures related to bathroom use at school are typical boundaries for children. As children learn and grow, boundaries change, and eventually most slip away. A bedtime boundary becomes a curfew boundary until the curfew goes away. As a teacher, I have to set clear boundaries for my students, but for my own clarity in this blog, I prefer to label those as expectations.
WHY SET PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES?
I set personal and professional boundaries in order to preserve relationships and prevent burnout. The book Boundaries says, “People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside but rebellious and resentful on the inside” (107). Relational boundaries and time boundaries are most prevalent for me because they prevent resentment and bitterness from grabbing ahold of my outlook. At school, I hold my boundaries by
- saying no to certain types of committee work so that I don’t resent my administrators,
- sharing exactly how much time I have to chat during my planning period or after school so that I don’t resent my colleagues,
- addressing misbehavior as a warm demander (see Teacher Talk’s 10-15-24 episode) so that I don’t resent my students,
- avoiding spaces that steer me away from my purpose so I don’t resent myself.
In addition to preserving relationships, my boundaries can also help others. Teaching is a helping profession full of natural helpers. However, when I don’t have healthy boundaries in place, my help can turn into enabling the poor decisions of my students, which isn’t too far from codependency. In Boundaries, “a person who continually rescues another person” (87) is codependent because that person is a co-conspirator in another’s dependence on unhealthy behavior. A teacher’s job is to help and to support, so it takes tremendous professional expertise and reflection to understand what kind of help and what amount of help leads to empowerment, rather than enabling students’ poor decisions. Allowing students to miss a lesson because of emotional distress can be helpful when it moves them in the direction of being more present in future classes. Frequently allowing students to miss class, though, can turn unhealthy when a student becomes stuck in dependence, rather than moving toward independence.
COMMON BOUNDARIES I USE WHEN INTERACTING WITH STUDENTS
- Do not do for students what they can do for themselves.
- Getting a pass to go to another teacher
- Evaluating their own work using a rubric, models, and/or answer key
- Pointing them to a good resource, not the answer
- Straightening up the room
- Handing out materials
- Set clear limits.
- You may have one granola bar.
- You may not gather at the door.
- You have 5 minutes to finish the activity.
- You are not a trained counselor. Students may come to you with social and emotional issues, and you can listen, but do not move into counseling. Leave that to the trained and certified professionals.
- Set clear goals.
- You must write 1 paragraph by the end of class.
- The classroom must be put back in order in 5 minutes.
- Practice until you get five in a row correct.
- Manage expectations.
- Yes, I have 10 minutes available to help you with the project.
- I will update grades every Friday.
- I will accept your late work, but it will be at the bottom of my to-do list.
- I will finish your letter of recommendation sometime in the next two weeks.
