BACKGROUND
I first heard the term boundaries in the ‘90s with the release of the New York Times Bestseller Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It wasn’t until a few years ago when the term experienced a strong resurgence that I actually read the book and began implementing boundaries into my personal and professional life.
Boundaries are a metaphor for the limits I set for myself, not limits set for other people. In other words, boundaries are not what others must do but what I will and will not do. In addition, boundaries can include how you will respond to what others have done, so “If you do ___, then I will do ___.” For example, if you are running late to a meeting, I will still start on time for those who are there. Or, if you send an email in the evening, I will respond in the morning.
I set personal and professional boundaries in order to preserve relationships and prevent burnout. The book Boundaries says, “People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside but rebellious and resentful on the inside” (107). Holding true to my boundaries keeps resentment and bitterness from grabbing ahold of my outlook. At school, I most often hold time boundaries and relational boundaries. My common boundary experiences include the following:
- saying no to certain types of committee work so that I don’t resent my administrators,
- sharing exactly how much time I have to chat during my planning period or after school so that I don’t resent my colleagues,
- addressing misbehavior as a warm demander (see Teacher Talk’s 10-15-24 episode) so that I don’t resent my students,
- avoiding spaces that steer me away from my purpose so I don’t resent myself.
BOUNDARIES AND COLLEAGUES
- Do what is yours to do. Let others do what is theirs to do. For example, you are not the principal. The final call on building-wide policies and procedures is the principal’s. The final call on serious discipline issues is the principal’s. Whether you agree or not, it’s likely you have plenty of other issues that deserve your time and energy. Also, you are not the counselor. Students will certainly come to you with difficult issues from time to time. You can listen and ask clarifying questions to determine a level of seriousness, but leave the counseling to those who are trained and certified.
- Let weaknesses be exposed. If you let people expose their own weaknesses, change will happen. If you are always saving the day, weakness will persist. In addition, let systematic weaknesses be exposed. For example, on a committee fulfill your role and leave other roles for your colleagues. When others shirk their responsibilities and when others do not volunteer at all, do not take on extra roles. The fact that someone isn’t meeting expectations or no one is volunteering may be a deeper issue to address. Don’t hide that issue by doing more than you want to or have the capacity for.
- You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Find positive people who share your vision. With these people your boundaries can be more porous or just different. Be polite and professional with the rest. A whole staff doesn’t need to be friends or “like family.” In fact, such a mentality has the potential to open the door to unprofessional behavior. Instead, with most colleagues just be polite and professional.
- Set time limits. When a colleague stops by to talk, clearly communicate how much time you can give: “Yes, I have 10 minutes.” And when you need to talk, ask about the other person’s limits: “Do you have time to talk? How much?”
- If you compose emails in the evenings or on weekends, use the Schedule Send feature and schedule the emails to send during working hours. If you are receiving emails in the evenings and on weekends, it’s okay to leave them unopened until working hours. Emergency situations will not come through email, so messages can wait.
Everyone’s boundaries will be different. Don’t make assumptions. Instead, be proactive, clear, and upfront without being confrontational. You can be both firm and friendly because boundaries aren’t a punishment. In fact, they are the best way I’ve found to preserve relationships, prevent burnout, and experience peace.
