It’s the time of year where those in the field of education can feel a little worn out, and this year feels especially exhausting. I do not pretend to have any advice. However, I do have something that works for me: self-compassion.
Every Valentine’s Day since 2019, I re-read the New York Times article For Valentine’s Day, Try Being Nice to Yourself by Tara Parker-Pope. In my inaugural reading of this article, I was in the beginning stages of writing my doctoral dissertation. I came across this article because I was studying Kristen Neff, Ph.D. and her work on self-compassion for my research on student growth mindset.
To understand self-compassion, it’s helpful to know the definition of compassion. In Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution., Brené Brown writes: “Compassion practice is daring. [...] Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” Brown defines compassion as a nonjudgmental desire to help a fellow human being.
Self-compassion, then, “is simply the process of turning compassion inward,” Dr. Neff explains. “Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing. It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy.”
For me, compassion and self-compassion have changed the way I interact with people, particularly students – and, arguably, more importantly – the way I interact with myself.
An example that Dr. Neff cites in her TedxTalk is a student who receives a failing grade on a test. A teacher can respond with criticism to the student and scold them for their mistakes, or, they can practice compassion and express a nonjudgmental desire to help. Students, and all humans, respond more favorably to the compassionate response because it elicits a parasympathetic nervous system “rest and digest” response. When in a relaxed state, students are able to exhibit higher levels of complex thinking and are therefore more likely to develop solutions to a problem. Do they need to study more for the next test? Get a tutor? Read a book? These options are only possible when the student is in a space to be able to hear them. Compassion creates space.
Self-compassion, I find much more difficult to practice. What if I am the one who failed the test? What if I am the teacher where all the students failed? How do I respond to myself in the face of mistakes? Self-compassion would insist that I approach myself with nonjudgement and a desire to help alleviate my own suffering. Most of us, however, are more likely to respond with self-criticism than with self-compassion. Criticism, especially self-criticism, ignites a sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” response, which narrows our thinking into survival mode. In a state of stress, nonjudgement and curiosity are not possible. Criticism, therefore, often makes the situation worse, more tense, and more difficult to resolve.
Criticism is culturally accepted, if not expected. For me, high levels of self-criticism felt like the “right” thing to do. Learning to practice compassion and self-compassion is an ongoing process for me. It has made me more relaxed, less stressed, and a more understanding person in the face of challenges.
If you are feeling exhausted, one way to decrease stress is to practice self-compassion. Curious how self-compassionate you are? Take the quiz on NYT to find out!
The views and opinions expressed on SDPB’s Teacher Talk are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the University of South Dakota.
